After Withdrawal Peace Spreads to Conflict Zones Worldwide

Leaders Worldwide Scramble to Follow American Lead
In the wake of the U.S. withdrawal from Iraq and Afghanistan, government leaders and warlords in conflict zones worldwide seemed to be falling over themselves to pledge peace.

Iraqis Around the World Celebrate U.S. Withdrawal, Rebuilding Plan

JORDAN — With the news that U.S. forces were withdrawing from Iraq, nearly five million Iraqi refugees learned that the nightmare that started in 2003 was over. However, most are convinced that going back to a pre-sanctions or even pre-war Iraq is a mere pipedream.

Labor Dept. Launches Job Creation Program

The Department of Labor is scrambling to propose new standards that will affect every American worker.

What the Future Holds for Afghanistan

A 400-page plan, written by Afghani leaders under U.N. supervision, outlines the final stages of U.S. and NATO withdrawal, and details a rebuilding effort on a scale not seen since World War Two.

USA Patriot Act Repealed

The controversial USA PATRIOT Act was repealed by Congress by a vote of 99-1 in the Senate and 520 to 18 in the House.

Washington Redskins Renamed

Washington Redskins owner, Daniel Snyder, announced at a press conference today that his football team will be changing its name.
“Let’s face it, the term ‘Redskins’ is offensive to many people and continuing to use it as the name of an NFL franchise is totally inappropriate,” said Snyder.  “This is long overdue.”
Snyder went on to say [...]

Canadian Scientists find Shorter Work Week as Effective as Viagra

Also effective against global warming.
NEW YORK — Power blackouts and “snow days” are associated with spikes in conception. Fresh Canadian research confirms long-standing suspicions that the daily grind contributes to circulatory and emotional stress including erectile disfunction. Surprise days off were found most effective for temporary relief even compared to often-stressful planned vacations.
“Most of [...]

Mets Purchased by 10,000-Strong Local Citizen Cooperative

NEW YORK — Mets owner Jeff Willpon confirmed the sale of his team to citizen group Our Teams NY (OTNY) yesterday in an interview on WFAN. “I feel noble giving New York fans their own team” said Willpon. Neither Willpon nor OTNY spokesperson Sara Smith disclosed the sale amount. “It’s part of our [...]

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