Canadian Scientists find Shorter Work Week as Effective as Viagra

By Alberto Stein
Published: July 4th, 2009

Also effective against global warming.

NEW YORK — Power blackouts and “snow days” are associated with spikes in conception. Fresh Canadian research confirms long-standing suspicions that the daily grind contributes to circulatory and emotional stress including erectile disfunction. Surprise days off were found most effective for temporary relief even compared to often-stressful planned vacations.

“Most of our research was conducted in the states” said Adrian Lamy, member of research group Canadian Advocates for Resiliant People (CARP). “Frankly we didn’t have the budget to look at our other top high-stress country, Japan.” Researchers directed study participants to take days off from their jobs, sometimes unpredictably, and sometimes systematically. “When participants first start, the unpredictable days off work as well as predictable once-a-week vacations” wrote Lamy, “but soon the predictable vacationers add stressful activities on their ‘day off’.”

CARP’s ten-year study found that the health benefits of working less were nearly universal. “Only when the non-work situation was more dangerous, unhealthy or stressful, perhaps from poverty, did we find working more help anyone” said Lamy “and we don’t have sufficient data on heart attacks yet, but it looks like mortality is also reduced by working less.”

Rolf Boehm, a German labor unionist, huffed in response to the study “it took you Yanks this long to figure it out? We’ve been working sanely and having more health than you over 20 years!”

David Graeburn, CUNY Anthropology Professor, suggested that “the so-called alternative lifestyles, even some of the homeless, have been benefitting from strong erectile function for years. It’s not a surprise. Many wealthier people could work less but don’t, which hurts them personally and keeps other people from working, but I guess it helps Pfizer. The real losers in this whole system, as always, are people working three jobs just to get by, who can’t afford Viagra. It almost seems like a conspiracy of the rich.”

Commedian John Stewart labeled the findings “natural selection for slackers”.

Amory Lovins of the Rocky Mountain Institute noted that adding a few quick calculations to the CARP study shows that working less is likely to reduce miles travelled, greenhouse gas emissions, traffic congestion, and reduce stress from road rage.

CARP researcher Lamy, when asked about Pfizer, remarked “there’s no way you could do this research in the US. The people who own Pfizer also control your FDA and significant amounts of research dollars. We had a tough enough time in Canada, but were lucky to have strong support from a wealthy B.C. coffee house chain owner.”

“One other thing”, said Lamy, “working less does not solve erectile disfunction due to relationship problems, though people have fewer of them when under lower stress, but Viagra can help despite relationship problems if that’s what you want.”

Pfizer Pharmaceutical, makers of Viagra, refused to comment on the study or their recent employee vacation and retiree medical care reductions.